Maybe she's right, I changed, I don't believe in love that much. Not love in general, but his love, it's not the same as we were boyfriend and girlfriend, it seems to lessen when we got married.
It's been more than a year since I've been giving excuses to his shortcomings. Understanding his flaw, thinking that he's not yet over with his single life --
When I was pregnant with lila, I told him to quit smoking, he said he will, when lila is born... Lila is more than a year now but he still smokes. His reasons/excuse: "I am full", "It's cold", "I am stressed", "this is my first stick this day" etc. I always asked him when will he stop, he will always tell me "soon" ... I'm losing patience in waiting and I'm tired of asking.
Drinking everyday! I always tell him that drinking is bad for his health. His unreasonable excuse: "My body is made of steel", "Don't listen to the doctor, they don't know anything!", "This is only a bottle" .
Hanging out wih his friends, drinking up to dawn as if there's no one waiting for him to go home. This has been always the reason of our feuds. Most of the time, I don't allow him to go out with his friends because he doesn't come home on time, and without any notice that he can't make it on time.
Last night, he's telling me that when we go to his place on Friday, he will go out to say 'hi' to his friends, knowng the simple 'hi' will take hime more than an hour, i asked him why can't he wait for saturday, since we're going to arrive there at night, his answer:"When you got your salary, buy handscuffs to keep me home". I was hurt, he does not know that it is our monthsary on Friday, that I'm giving him a hint because it will be the first monthsary that we will be together since he arrived from Japan. I was hurt he doesn't anticipate our special day anymore. I envied his friends birthdays, or friends gimik schedules, he always remember those...
He's telling me that he is still adjusting, but until when? I can't see any improvement too. The hurt is just piling up, soon I'm going to give up.
Things I'm holding on is Lila and the hope that soon he will grow up. I'm not also perfect, but I'm trying to be a good wife a good mother. I hope he will too.
I smile because he still make me happy but behind my smile: I feel unimportant, I feel neglected.
